...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize