If i come over, it means nothing
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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