Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
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