"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
