i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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