he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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