i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
