That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
