That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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