i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize