too bad you live with your parents still
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
