Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
