I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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