come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
