speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
God I need to hump something, right now.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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