I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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