So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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