Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize