If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
