guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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