I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
