When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Randomize
