I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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