I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
