The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
