Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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