So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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