you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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