Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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