Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize