he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
