I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
