Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
