Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
my being single is dangerous.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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