I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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