I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
