it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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