Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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