the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
