I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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