she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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