Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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