My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
