She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
it's like iHOP with fire
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
