after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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