I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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