That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
