U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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