So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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