i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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