I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
