What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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