i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
