Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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