who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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