He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
