I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize