Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Randomize