Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
